The Koopalings, also known occasionally as the Koopa Kids, have been making somewhat of a resurgence lately. Thinking back to Super Mario World, I always thought these guys were cool bosses, since they actually felt like they had distinct personalities. You would assume that in Bowser’s Autumn years one of them would take over the mantle of King Koopa.
So I got to thinking, since Shigeru Miyamoto has explicitly stated that the Koopalings are not Bowser’s children, and that Bowser Jr. is the rightful heir to the throne, where does it leave this gang of merry misfits in, say, 20 years?
“Koopa army’s special attack squad leader.”
Larry was seen as the most likely candidate to replace the head honcho should anything befall Bowser’s heir apparent, displaying the aptitude at an early age for command. He graduated from the Koopa military academy with full honours, and would soon rise to the rank of Koopa Commander. He initially proved himself greatly in the mushroom wars, commanding the Koopa army to near total victory. He would ultimately, however, lose face in a personal duel with Mario in which he was badly burned by a fire flower, causing the morale of the Koopa Troops to plummet and sealing the victory for the Mushroom Kingdom. He suffers from long-term PTSD, and several cosmetic surgeries later you can find him collecting coins for the Koopa veteran society in the local mall.
“Unrivalled / invincible tough guy.”
Morton Koopa Jr. was considered the runt of the litter, but perhaps for that very reason he stood out as a real bruiser. After being expelled from Koopa High for constantly getting into brawls, he spent most of his teenage years at the gym, training to become a professional MMA fighter. Before he could really hit his stride, however, he was then expelled from the league for biting off the snout of Birdo in a qualifying match. Out of desperation, he leveraged his notoriety into a job pro wrestling alongside Wario in the deep south under the name ‘Plumber’s Helper.’ Washed up and prematurely aged by steroids, you can still find him on the wrestling autograph circuit in local hick towns.
“Overthrow / beat-down princess.”
The only female Koopaling, Wendy was spoiled rotten by Bowser. At sixteen she had a massive party featured on My Super Sweet 16 in which she freaked out that she was given a Koopa Clown Car instead of a Mercedes. She coasted through high school on her good looks, eventually running off with a rugged Koopa Troopa with a motorcycle in her early twenties and quickly becoming pregnant. She was disowned by Bowser, who saw Wendy’s then husband as scum and their child as a ‘misbegotten halfbreed.’ With nowhere else to turn, Wendy got a job as a cashier in a supermarket, and had several more children before leaving her husband and joining the Koopa Church of Latter Day Saints. She’s now married to an aged congregant and files frivolous lawsuits that so far have amounted to nothing.
“Trickster with the black-framed glasses.”
Ever the ‘misunderstood’ Koopaling and picked on by the rest, Iggy spent most of his adolescence with his nose buried in books, obsessively watching and blogging about anime, and playing erotic Japanese dating sims. His early adversity gave him the drive to succeed however, and he graduated from Koopa U. with an MBA in Koopa Finance. He ran the business end of Bowser’s empire for many years, becoming rich and powerful in a very brief time and was better known by his nickname “The Spiny of Wall Street.” His meteoric rise would eventually be succeeded by an equally portentous downfall as he made some poor investments in the Koopa Clown Car industry and spent the rest on Japanese hookers and blow. He now teaches business seminars to Goombas who want to get rich quick.
Roy Koopa
“Out-of-control turtle heavyweight.”
Growing up, Roy was heavily favoured by Bowser, who would often be heard to say that Roy “reminds me of myself at that age.” Although somewhat slow, he was an ace with a Koopa shell, and despite being a real dullard in school, Bowser would always make time to go out for an ice cream with his favourite ‘son.’ However, once Bowser Jr. was born (who the heck is his mother, anyway?), Roy fell into disfavour and developed a deep, brooding resentment towards life. He started hanging out with the goths and writing dark poetry. Crying and alone in his room, he would eat his problems away, adding many layers of fat to his already chunky frame. Still living at home, working at an office supply store and devastatingly overweight, Roy tends to stand alone in the corner during family reunions.
Lemmy Koopa
“There’s one in every group,” is the way that people talk about Lemmy. From a young age, his interests tended to veer towards the chaotic, including torturing the family cat goomba and violently ripping the masks off of shy guys. He developed a penchant for bob-ombs, constantly blowing up his toys behind his house, and decided to study chemistry at Koopa U. Nobody could say they couldn’t see it coming when one day Lemmy snapped and held the entire city hostage with his new variety of bob-omb of mass destruction. His demands: ten-million coins and a gassed up Koopa Clown Car ready to take him to to Yoshi’s Island. Paratroopa SWAT managed to bring him down and disarm the bomb, however, and Lemmy was incarcerated in the Koopa Asylum for the Mentally Insane. Today you can still find him there, somewhat calmed by his regular electroshock therapy, but still collecting oddments from the laundry room and stashing them for who knows what purpose.
Ludwig Von Koopa
“Showoff villain-hero.”
The child genius, Ludwig’s IQ was off the charts from a very young age, and he grew up resenting Bowser’s bumbling efforts to kidnap Princess Peach and conquer the Mushroom Kingdom. After biding his time for several years, Ludwig ran off during the mushroom wars and created his own underground elite Koopa army, “The Ones Who Knock,” recruiting the best and brightest from Bowser’s ranks slowly over the years via sedition. Utilizing the latest in military psychology, tactics, and hardware, Ludwig created a fighting force unlike the world has ever seen. Not one to suffer competition, he took the fight directly to Bowser and his young spawn, tearing the Koopa Kingdom to pieces in the process while the Mushroom Kingdom looked on and laughed. Bowser Jr. and him have faced off directly many times, but to this day no one has come out on top, and the war rages on…
What do you think other loveable Nintendo mascots will be up to in twenty years time? Let us know in the comments!
